My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
