Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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