nut hugger
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
