I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
