I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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