i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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