I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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