What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
