I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
is wine microwaveable?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
