my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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