i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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