I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize