My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
