Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
