I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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