I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
