Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
