I think my fart just growled at me.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Terrible idea I love it
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
