yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize