Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
