see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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