They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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