i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
