I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
