I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
they're like a gay fantastic four
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize