I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
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