my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
