we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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