hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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