I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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