The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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