The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
