this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize