she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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