I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
