Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
