My Higher Power is John Stamos
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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