so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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