i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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