If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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