Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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