The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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