Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
