Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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