Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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