I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
