you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
