dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize