I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
