I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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