She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
