i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
