The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
