Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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