I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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