Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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