Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
