Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
