dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
