two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
