i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
